As your birthday comes ever closer, I find myself at constant internal war. The battle between tightening and loosening the reigns. How much support is too much, will too much independence make you reckless, will too much guidance make you ill equipped for life and the world. Are you really even ready for the world?
It’s like I blinked and you had grown. I see you next to your brother and how you handle yourself around your peers and I see that, actually, you are equipped for more than I realise, more than I want to accept, more than I give you credit for and really the question should be is the world ready for you?
You’re the one I had the best intentions for, organic food, purees coming out of my eyeballs, (none of which gave you as much joy as the Chicken Nugget Farm) strict bedtime routines, less apps and more outdoors. You are often the source of my worries and I’m sure the source to my sleep deprivation in the years to come. Always thinking of how best I can protect you, as a child, as a girl. And with that, comes my failings, you are the one I get it wrong with. My trial and error.
From the second I saw you, you changed me. You shook me to my core. You took everything I thought I knew about myself, about everything, and shifted it. There was less, if any, time to focus on me. You gave me a gift, the greatest gift anyone could, and one that I never knew how much I needed. To care less about myself and more about the world, to look up instead of down, to finally see in colour. It’s hard to quantify that level of love, I didn’t even know that there was that colour in the spectrum.
You stretched my body and left me in bits and while I often wish it away, for you my love, I will wear every mark ever scar with honour because all the things I wish I could do without brought the very thing I can’t live without.
Some people really are bigger than the words we have to describe them. But the blood we share will forever be one of the truths I treasure most in this life.
Thank you for always being fiercely, unapologetically, you.
Happy Birthday, my Bumble Bee,
Your biggest fan, always.