A weekend well spent brings a week of content.

I would put my featured image as my face this morning, but in all honest I have no doubt someone would set up a GoFundMe page and send round a Samaritan.

After about 4 hours broken sleep I’d also like to say I’m currently attempting to fill my Monday-caffeine-quota, but alas, Miss Bliss has other plans for me today and she’s already spilt half my gallon-mug all over me. Thankfully, and unsurprisingly, it was cold.

After a brilliant start to the weekend of baking muffins, bulk cooking pasta sauce and generally parenting the shit out of life, a sleepover with Beauxs all-time-faves, us parentals out in London for a gig – and me not losing my shit or getting even slightly clammy. (probs the 29501475934 starters I ordered from Wagamamas that absorbed the fear, or the fact James Arthur was so ridiculously good I was distracted from the amount of people around me. Well done, sir.)

I should have known it was too good to be true on the way home when the car decided to die a coolant death with 4% phone battery between us.

We put the Christmas tree up on Saturday (sorry Scrooges) only to be met with a limited supply of fairy lights. (Its their fault for being so twinkly that I’ve slowly put them up elsewhere throughout the year.) So with a half lit tree I went out on the fairy light hunt.

I’d been gone an hour and returned home to rock solid cookies, Beaux fashioning Sharpie all over her face and had emptied a baggy of star/glitter sequins all over the shag pile rug like she was at a crafting exhibition. – sprinkle that shit!

The tree was finished and we were in full Christmas mode. Turning down Michael Buble only to hear the sweet sounds of Casey, barking like a seal.

He obviously sensed we had a relatively decent sleep on friday night and thought he’d like a show around of Abingdon Hospital. Cheers pal. Croup is a thing of the devil but so was the film playing in the waiting room. ‘Obsessed’ – Idris and Beyoncé what the fuck were you thinking?

Sunday came round before my head even hit the pillow when Beaux decided to wake up the second I got back from hospital to tell me “I just love Kitty cat. Lets read together” Lets absolutely not. She then woke up about 3 hours later to come and ask me to put on her Cinderella dress…

Later in the day we went to a wedding showcase, Beaux was good until we walked in and she demanded food, found some brownies, ate one, licked the rest and then put them back.

Fast forward to last night, where Casey was either trying to attract all the dogs in the area, or dreaming of a past life where he danced for fish at a marine park. #sleepreallyisfortheweak

This morning just set up the day really when Beaux came in with a “present” for me.

She goes downstairs with Dan before work and comes back up when he leaves, sometimes there’s a gap in timing. Today was one of those times. As I began opening the gift covered in paper, a sudden rush of irrational fear swept through me, I saw what looked like a few handfuls of teeth. FFS…Panic averted as it was just an entire packet of chewing gum she’d broken up.

So now I’m just trying to reassure myself that ‘it can only get better’.. till I imagine what it will be like when they’re both able to set fire to the house.

Happy Monday friends. Stay safe.

And if you can’t stay safe just smile and wing it.

Yes that’s Beaux in the back eyeing up which bit of the tree to terrorise.

Godspeed.

Hx

Minty fresh

This will never not be funny

Um, Original Source… can we talk?

I’d like to take you back to around 6.45am this morning, when I stepped into my bath, and found that my usual, rather innocuous bottle of shower gel (Waitrose essentials, Rose) had run out. A tad irritating, but fortuitously, I had a solution close to hand. A brand new, unopened bottle of your very own Mint and Tea Tree Shower Gel. My bodily cleanliness was assured once more. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I took the Mint and Tea Tree Shower Gel and began to work it into a lather. I applied it to first one leg, then the other, and shaved them diligently. (Yes, feel free to be impressed at my commitment to body defoliation at 6.45am on a Wednesday morning. I was too.) So far, so good.

I washed my arms and shaved underneath them. I washed my neck, breasts, stomach and back. Thus far, it had been a positively first class bathing experience.

And then.

AND THEN.

Oh. Dear. God.

MY VAGINA WAS ABLAZE.

For a moment, I wasn’t entirely sure what had happened. Had I repeated the never to be forgotten error when I managed to apply hair removal cream which was strictly not for front bottoms to my front bottom? Had a stray spark inadvertently set light to my pubic thatch?

BECAUSE IT FUCKING FELT LIKE IT.

Yes, Original Source, your innocuous looking green bottle of so called shower gel, it turns out, is an absolute fucking liability. MY FLAPS WERE ON FUCKING FIRE. I had a quick look at the ingredients list to see if it contained gasoline. It did not. There was a warning though. ‘KEEP AWAY FROM EYES.’ Keep away from eyes? KEEP AWAY FROM EYES? Frankly, my eyes were the least of my problems right now.

I frantically scrubbed my flaps, which by now felt as though they were being ceremoniously scrubbed by ants wearing ice skates laced with chilli sauce. ‘7,929 tingling leaves’ claimed the front of the bottle. Tingling? TINGLING? This wasn’t tingling my minge. It was starting a fucking bush fire down there. (Pun entirely intended. You can thank me later.)

Some twelve hours later, my front bottom has finally calmed down, though may well be suffering from as yet unconfirmed PTSD. My eyes have eventually stopped watering. And so, in the interests of public safety, I thought I would pen you this missive.

May I suggest a rebranding of the front of your bottles of Mint and Tea Tree Shower Gel? Something along the lines of the following:

‘7,927 tingling leaves which will accost your genitalia until it screams for mercy.’

If nothing else, it will certainly stand out on the shelf.

Anyways, thanks for brightening up my morning. And my front bottom, which has never been so lively.

Kisses, IKINTST xxx

Well done http://www.instagram.com/laucapon